


my heart (it still beats for you)

by izzylerd



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: BBMA's AU, F/F, lauren is a gay mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 16:24:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14793920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzylerd/pseuds/izzylerd
Summary: Your heart still pounds against your chest for her and there’s really nothing you can do about it.Because you’re Lauren Jauregui and Lauren Jauregui is in love with Camila Cabello. You probably always will be.





	my heart (it still beats for you)

///

 

 

You’re invited to the BBMA’s.

 

Because of _course_ you are.

 

You’re Lauren Jauregui, rising solo artist fresh out Fifth Harmony and ready to blow everyone off their fucking feet.

 

Normani is going too, her single with Khalid has earned her a spot in the rising solo artists as well and you can’t help but be extremely proud of her because not only is she attending, she’s  _performing_.

 

And, well, that’s kind of the problem.

 

Because when Normani texts you in all caps about it you’re yelling and jumping around in excitement, and then she drops the bomb of all bombs.

 

 _She's_  performing also.

 

Which means not only will you be in the same vicinity, at the same event as your ex-band member Normani Kordei, you’ll also be in the same vicinity as _Camila Cabello_.

 

Also known as the one who got away.

 

You think of all the possible outcomes of the situation before Mani has even finished telling you that there’s “a very small chance that you’ll run into each other”.

 

You’ve narrowed it down to a couple options.

 

1\. Probably the best option, for your own hearts' sake, is that you don’t see, or speak to each other, let alone breathe the same air. The press is still very well aware of the “tensions” (you always air quote it because you already knew it was going to happen and there’s no bad blood between the five of you, but lord knows that the 5H team won’t let you get away without any drama) between you and your ex-lover, who, technically, according to public information, is in fact NOT your ex-lover but just an ex-bandmate. But there’s still Camren shippers and you let your mind linger on that for a while before coming to your next option.

 

2\. You’re forced together because the press would absolutely eat that up as would the entire population of Brazil and the United States. There’s really no reason why the two of you would be seen together in the first place, which would cause even more of an uproar if you were seen together let alone assumed that you were together at one point.

 

(You learned that lesson at the Jingle Ball, but you’re not gonna talk about that right now)

 

3\. Either you or her willingly seek the other out in a heartfelt reunion that mends the cracks in your relationship - friendship, whatever - and you live happily ever after, the way your heart has been craving since she left two years ago.

 

It’s unrealistic, you know, you understand, you get it. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

 

You are also very aware of the, _restrictions_ , so to speak, that would keep you from having any form of reunion anyway.

 

And they go by the names of Ty and Matthew.

 

Yes, you are very, _very_ , aware of who exactly Matthew is and what he is doing in Camila's life and like, okay.

 

Maybe you’re jealous. (You definitely are).

 

Maybe you think it’s totally reasonable that the two of you have been forced into PRs to boost your solo careers and keep the interest going, but good _god_ , if it isn’t killing you slowly from the inside out you, don’t wanna know what death is truly like.

 

You’re pretty sure you know what that feels like though, it came in the form of ot4.

 

“Besides, like I said, I highly doubt that- Lauren? Are you even listening to me?”

 

Your head snaps back to Normani’s unimpressed glare on your phone screen.

 

“Oh yeah, totally. Could you just, I don’t know, maybe repeat what you’ve said in the past 5 minutes?”

 

She sighs heavily, “You’re a mess, did you know that?”

 

“Yep, one big bisexual mess that’s gonna get worse in front of national television”

 

 

_

 

 

 

You’re nervous to say the least.

 

Initially you had kind of gotten over the fact that you’re about to see the ex that you’re still in love with perform in front of hundreds of people, important people, and that you were really gonna have to keep your shit together for this one or your management team was gonna have one hell of a field day.

 

Initially.

 

The nerves had come back the second Normani told you that Camila was going to be performing her new single Sangria Wine.

 

(Yes, you know what it is and yes you’ve heard it from the numerous Instagram and Youtube videos that you’ve seen of it. A girl can be curious. It’s not technically stalking if it’s practically shoved in your face)

 

Once the shock subsides it’s like the floodgates of hell come pouring into your system and you’re nothing but a shaking, nervous wreck while the makeup team is trying to keep your shit together for you.

 

“Seriously Laur, you’re gonna be fine. I’m like 99% sure that both of your teams have spoken and are taking every precaution they can to avoid any run-ins or setups that the press there have planned”, Normani finally cuts in over the phone after she’s had to listen to you constantly tap your foot against the floor for a solid ten minutes.

 

“And what about that 1% Mani? What the fuck am I gonna do then?”

 

“I guess you better start prayin’ now then girl, you’ve got the worst luck out of all of us”

 

“Okay, first of all, you and I both know Camz has the worst luck when it comes to everything. Second of all you are  _really_  not helping my-“

 

“You know, have you thought that maybe you guys running into each other wouldn’t be such a bad thing? Like, there’s no bad blood, maybe the universe is trying to tell you something by forcing you together”, there’s a hint of _something_  in your voice and your eyes narrow at it, but before you can vocalize your thoughts Normani is speaking again, “Anyway, I’d love to stay and continue to make your nerves worse but I have to be at soundcheck in five minutes so, see you there Lauren!”

 

You blink twice, twitch your nose once, and hold your breath for 10 seconds before coming back to your senses and realizing that you are truly, utterly, undeniably, fucked.

 

 

 

_

 

 

 

_Okay, Lauren, you’ve got this. Just keep it together long enough to get to your seat and you’ll be fine. Everything is gonna be fine._

 

You’d like to think you’re doing a pretty good job, and you can’t thank the big man upstairs more for the fact that Ty isn’t coming with you. So you’re really riding this thing solo, and that’s so much better than having to pretend.

 

The second you step out of your car there’s cameras flashing in your face, but after years of dealing with it, it doesn’t phase you.

 

You put on your best smile, one that you hope doesn’t show how nervous and scared you are.

 

You step onto the red carpet, guided by your manager and a couple other people from your team. You go through the usual carpet pictures, maintain a pretty stable composure as you get further down the line to where the press is for interviews, and manage to walk a good 6 feet into the press area before Chelsea Briggs practically drags you in front of her camera with a squeal and a bone-crushing hug.

 

“Lauren! Hi, I feel like it’s been forever how are you?”

 

“I’m doing great, everything’s going good, how are you?”

 

You get into the usual pre-interview talk before Chelsea gets her serious face on and starts asking questions. She asks you about the last show before the hiatus, new music, plans for the future, who you think will win tonight, and you’re about to fist pump the air because she hasn't asked any Camila questions, but of course with your luck, you don’t get to.

 

“Okay, I have one last question for you Lauren”, Chelsea gets her serious look one last time, “How are you feeling about going in there and having to watch Camila Cabello perform her new single?”

 

Shit.

 

 

_Shit._

 

“Um”, keep it together keep it together, “You know I hadn’t really thought about it honestly", your hand nervously runs through your hair, "It’s cool that she has a single and everything and, uhm, that she’s performing”, okay okay you’re doing good so far, “I’m super proud of her for everything that she’s done recently and I’m super excited to watch it happen live”

 

Good.

 

 

Wait.

 

No _FUCK_.

 

“So you’ve heard her album? Is that what I’m hearing?”

 

Of course you’ve fucking heard her album, dear god your PR team is gonna fucking murder you after this.

 

“Well I mean-”, you try to drag it out and shoot your manager a subtle look but it is _really_  not working and now that you’re looking around for your team you’re starting to notice that a lot of the press and even the stars are looking in your direction.

 

You furrow your brows at the sight, most of them quickly turning back around to what they were doing before.

 

_The fuck is up with that?_

 

“Oh my gosh, speak of the freaking devil, Camila how are you?”

 

Oh _fuck._

 

 _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_ -

 

“Hi, Chelsea!”

 

You haven’t heard her raspy voice in almost a year, not in person at least, but it still sends a chill down your spine and sets your lungs on fire.

 

“We were just talking about you! How are you feeling about your performance?”

 

 _Chelsea_  what the _fuck_.

 

“Oh, you were?”

 

It’s not until now that you completely turn to face her, and boy do you wish you hadn’t because it feels like your organs are failing and there’s no words coming out of your mouth to defend yourself against the playful smirk displayed across her perfect, _perfect_ , face.

 

“Yeah I was asking her how she felt about watching you perform”

 

She raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at you and you’re scared that she can hear your heart pounding in your chest right now.

 

“And you said?”

 

You don’t even realize that the question is directed at you because you’re too busy trying to calm your fucking heart down so it will stop beating in your ears and nonchalantly wipe the pools of sweat off of your hands before anyone realizes that you have never been this nervous in your life.

 

You can't even wrap your head around the fact that you're talking to her in general. You're surprised with yourself, you didn't think that you'd last this long without blurting something embarrassing out or passing out. 

 

Lucky for you though your manager pulls you away before you have the chance to answer, muttering something about needing to talk to more interviews before going inside.

 

You chance one glance back though, and your eyes meet chocolate brown. She has a soft smile on her face, it makes your stomach stir with butterflies because it reminds you of all the times she would look at you exactly like that whilst telling you that she loved you.

 

The longing in her eyes almost causes you to trip over your own feet and you think that she notices because her chest moves like she’s laughing, but then she turns back to Chelsea and the moment is over.

 

By the time you’re finally getting out of your last interview an hour has passed in a complete blur and you’ve had trouble answering questions coherently because all that’s on your mind is Camila.

 

You’d like to think that you’re mad at her. That you could never forgive her for tearing apart all of your dreams because she didn’t want to be in the group anymore. That you hate her for leaving and breaking your heart all in one go.

 

But you can’t. Because you saw it coming. You’d spoken to her about it more times than you could count, you were even encouraging her to do whatever made her happy because as long as she was happy, so were you.

 

You also can’t be mad at her because you love her and she’s been doing so many good things recently, you weren’t lying when you said that you were proud of her for everything she’s done. Your heart still pounds against your chest for her and there’s really nothing you can do about it.

 

Because you’re Lauren Jauregui and Lauren Jauregui is in love with Camila Cabello. You probably always will be.

 

 

 

_

 

 

 

“What the _fuck_ was that? I thought we were doing everything to avoid her, not fucking throw me in a situation where I have to _f_ _ucking speak to her!_ ”

 

You’re silently fuming on your way to your seat, your manager trailing close enough to where you can curse him in a whisper.

 

If you thought Epic was bad with management, you don’t wanna know what the hell Columbia has up their sleeves.

 

“You’re right, that was completely my fault and I take the blame for it. We should have been on the lookout more, I apologize Lauren”

 

You’re about to curse at him some more but your mouth snaps shut, surprised at his apology.

 

"Oh, well-", you face forward again and start walking, "Apology accepted, just don't let it happen again.... Please"

 

He nods his head at you and follows you to your seat.

 

Which just happens to be smack dab in the middle of the room.

 

Which means you have a perfect view of the stage.

 

And everyone has a perfect view of you.

 

Great.

 

Once you finally make it to your seat your manager leaves your side and you're stuck with the people you've been assigned near. You don't see any active cameras yet so when Normani shoots you a wave and a smile you don't hesitate to send one back.

 

After you're settled and comfortable you take a look at the people around you, only to find most of them already looking at you.

 

At your raised eyebrows they all turn back to their conversations and you're struck with the impression that everyone but you knows something.

 

You turn to whoever is next to you, who turns out to be Ariana Grande in flesh and blood, "What the hell is up with everyone staring at me? Is my dressed ripped or something? Do I have something on my face?"

 

She smiles widely at you, "I had a feeling you'd ask that. I mean she did too but that's only cause she knows you but whatever. She told me that if and when you asked, to tell you that you shouldn't worry and you'll understand later"

 

You genuinely have no idea what to say, between trying to figure out why everyone is looking at you and who "she" is, there's no room in your brain to come up with a response. Ariana obviously notices this and she chuckles softly, bringing a soft hand to squeeze your knee.

 

"You'll understand soon, just try to relax and enjoy the performances"

 

Cool.

 

Very chill, super cool.

 

Just relax, that's all you gotta do.

 

Right.

 

 

 

_

 

 

 

You have no idea how to chill out.

 

Absolutely no fucking clue. You're sitting close to Normani who is going to be performing soon, you've exchanged a couple looks with each other and you may or may not have pulled out your phone to send her a text letting her know that you're literally freaking the fuck out still.

 

Ariana hasn't said anything else in terms of whoever the hell "she" but you've made small talk, talking about things like new albums and record deals, what it's like being with Columbia instead of Epic. It's kind of refreshing you think, to be talking about new changes and new music with someone who you've known for a long time.

 

You've actually calmed down a little bit after talking to her and Ashley, who arrived late and is sat on your left, but of course just as you think the nerves are gone the announcers come through the speakers to tell you that the performances will be starting in 5 minutes and for everyone to start taking their seats.

 

You don't know the order that everyone is going in, all you know is that you think you see a glimpse of Camila's braid in the front row with Shawn and Taylor and it makes your heart pound into your chest again.

 

"Lauren, seriously, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack if you don't calm down", Ashley tries to console you after your breathing picks up but it's really no use.

 

"What part of my ex who I am still very in love with seems to be plotting something that involves me in front of national television are you not fucking understanding?"

 

"You just need to try and calm down, go get a drink if you need to or something jeez"

 

You shoot her a glare and you're so wrapped up in arguing back and forth with Ashley and Ariana that you don't realize Normani is on stage until you hear her voice come through the large speakers. 

 

You practically give yourself whiplash looking up onto the stage. 

 

"Look what you guys made me do!"

 

You stand from your seat and start screaming for Normani, your hands and body moving to the beat of Love Lies. 

 

The song ends and you're screaming at the top of your lungs because Normani is  _finally_ starting to get the recognition that she deserves and her choreo was absolutely amazing. Not to mention her voice was mesmerizing and you wouldn't be surprised if she gets hate for lip singing, but from all the years together you know that she's just that talented. 

 

"See, that wasn't so hard was it?"

 

You turn your head to Ari in confusion, "What?"

 

"Calming down, wasn't that hard right?"

 

"Oh", you're reminded just exactly why your entire day has been ridden with anxiety and you kind of want to punch Ariana in the face right now, " _Fuck"_

 

You slump back in your seat and Ashley's hands fly to her face, "Dammit Ari!"

 

 

  
///

 

 

 

You've tried enjoying the performances. You really have. You're kind of upset that you were too busy arguing with Ashley to watch Ariana's performance, and even more upset that you didn't have anything to distract you when Shawn went up and Camila stood up with Taylor. 

 

Right in your line of vision. 

 

This day really cannot get any better. 

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Somewhere in between Kesha and Janet Jackson performing you catch Camila getting up and making her way backstage for her performance. 

 

"Oh fuck"

 

"Lauren, I'm seriously considering taping your mouth shut right now"

 

You ignore Ari's comment in favor of freaking out more, "Oh fuck fuck fuck, no, nope. I can't do this I have to go"

 

Your attempt to get up is stopped by both Ashley and Ariana grabbing your arms and forcing you back into your chair. 

 

"Sit your ass back down and drink this", she holds out a flask to you, an incredulous look making it's way to your face, "Oh don't even act like you've never done anything wrong in your life Ms. Weed at the Airport"

 

"That was one time, fuck you"

 

You snatch the flask from her hands and try your best at drinking subtly, but that get's thrown out the window the second you taste cinnamon. 

 

"Fireball? Really?"  
  
  


"What? Be grateful I got you something at all"

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

She's going on in at least two minutes. You're very sure of it because Simon got out of his seat not too long ago and Kelly's performance is coming to a close. 

 

You're proven correct when Simon walks out on stage in place of Kelly and tells everyone she's performing not only Sangria Wine but Havana too. 

 

You are so so fucked. 

 

Ashley and Ari have one of your hands in each of theirs and you're sure that you're breaking their hands with how tight your grip is.

 

The second trumpets come through the speakers you're on your feet and watching Pharrell do the intro to Sangria Wine. 

 

Your heart is thumping so loudly in your head you think you're gonna pass out any second now, because you know she's coming in soon, very soon in fact and-

 

" _Move my body, like it is a pipe_ "

 

Something between a groan, squeal, and a moan leaves your lips (a couple people look your way but you're too wrapped up in watching Camila saunter onto the stage like she fucking owns the place) as Camila starts moving around the stage like she was born to do it.

 

You think that maybe she was, even though she used to be the most awkward and adorable dancer ever, seeing her move effortlessly across the stage with her team and Pharrell makes you think that she was meant to be on that stage. 

 

You don't want to admit it but you're  _incredibly_ turned on right now, not only because Camila's voice is so mature now but her costume is doing absolute wonders for her Cuban curves and her hair is so nice when it's in a ponytail and-

 

"Okay, Lauren, not that I'm not enjoying watching you right now but you might wanna close your mouth and wipe the drool off your face before the cameras come for round two"

 

You snap your attention back to reality and quickly fix your face. 

 

(It's really a lost cause, you go right back to the same expression the second she transitions into Havana with acoustics)

 

It seems like she changes the song every time she performs it and that's really what you love the most about her. 

 

Her ability to become one with the music and really feel it has always been one of her most attractive qualities and you can't ever remember a time that she had a hard time doing it. Besides not getting to make the songs she wrote into real songs until she left, she was always the most creative in songwriting and changing songs to make them unique. You're pretty sure it's at the very top of your  _Reasons Why I'm In Love With Camila Cabello_ list. 

 

Not only does she switch up the song, but she adds in a dance break and you're quite literally blown off your fucking feet at how good and attractive she is up on the stage. You have to sit down and take another chug of Fireball with your chin in your hands as Camila starts to fucking  _grind on the floor_ and really, you're not going to make it through this night. 

 

The song ends much too quickly for your liking and everyone in the stadium is on their feet and cheering for her. 

 

You think that you're finally going to be able to breathe but you're proven wrong for the hundredth time tonight when Kelly comes out with a mic stand and Camila makes her way over to the main stage. 

 

She practically skips over with the biggest smile on your face and you can't help but smile too because you're in love with such a  _dork._

 

"Hi everyone!" Her voice is that high pitched voice she gets when she's happy and excited, and she's slightly out of breath after her performances and from your seat, you can make out the little stray hairs from her bangs that are stuck to her forehead from sweat. 

 

It only makes her that much more beautiful. 

 

"So um, I know you probably weren't expecting me to say anything and I promise that I won't try to bore you too much", the room erupts in laughter, "But uh, I have some, things, I guess, that I need to say and get off of my chest and I figured this was the best way to do it"

 

Your heart is in your ears again and you're pretty sure this is where her plan is about to come into play. Which makes you more nervous than you've been the entire day and you are very, very close to throwing up. 

 

She takes a deep breath and suddenly there's more people turning their heads to you, and others cheering for Camila to continue on. 

 

“Okay. Uh", she clears her throat and straightens out her posture, "A very dear friend of mine once told me that life is nothing without risks. That without them, we are living bland, pointless lives waiting for the inevitable vacuum of death to slap us in the face and make us realize too late that we hadn’t done enough”

 

It takes a moment, but once you realize what she’s said your body completely shuts down.

 

Because it was _you_ , who had said those words to her. _You_  had spoken those exact same words on a rooftop in the middle of the Reflection tour when you were opening your heart up to Camila freaking Cabello.

 

You start adding the things up inside of your head.

 

Normani’s sly comments at makeup, your team doing an extremely poor job keeping you out of Camila’s range, the way that everyone has been looking at you like they know something, the not so impromptu speech accompanied by even more glances in your direction.

 

You’ve got to be wrong. There is absolutely no way in _hell_ -

 

“That person, that dear friend of mine, was Lauren Jauregui”

 

_Oh holy mother fucking shit-_

 

“It’s been two years since I’ve last spoken to her in full, complete, and meaningful sentences, so I don’t except the outcome of this to be fairytale. But like she said, life is nothing without risks, and I am taking a huge, possibly career shattering risk because I am utterly and foolishly in love with Lauren Jauregui and I have been since the start of Fifth Harmony”

 

You’re gonna throw up. There’s not a chance you’re getting out of here without hurling your entire dinner up in front of everyone right now.

 

“So, I would like to say that wherever she may be right now, whether it’s here like she’s supposed to be or not here because I know she hates confrontation, I want Lauren Michelle Jauregui Morgado to know that I love her, that I am in love with her, and that it’d be really cool if she went back home to Miami after this and called me because I’ve spent too much time caring about my image and this is the one thing I am very sure of in my life", she inhales deeply after her mini rant and her smile is nervous and twitchy, "Thank you”

 

The entire stadium practically erupts into screams and cheers and you don't even wanna check your phone because you're very sure that the Camren shippers AND your management team is spiraling out of control. 

 

So you sit. 

 

Calmly. 

 

As calm as you can. 

 

Because you're fine. 

 

"Lauren? Are you okay? You kinda look like you're gonna-"

 

The last thing you see before passing out is Camila walking backstage and Ariana's hand on your knee. 

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

After the awards and a very embarrassing visit to the hospital from passing out on national television, you find yourself pacing back and forth in your childhood home in Miami. 

 

"Lauren, mija, you're going to walk holes into the carpet if you keep this up"  
  
  


"Okay, first of all, mama, do you not realize how serious this is? Like, like Camila! She just-she, she fucking- oh my god"

 

Your mom stands from her seat on the couch and comes to place her hands on your shoulders, "I think you need to sit down before you make yourself pass out again. Or Camila is just going to have to talk to you in the hospital instead of-"

 

"Oh my  _god_ I have to talk to her. I have to like, talk to her in person and everything and see her and-"  
  
  


Your sister decides this is a nice time to pop in the living room and hand you a bag of chips, "Dude, seriously just go find her or something. She's made it pretty obvious that she feels the same way about you. I mean she probably risked her entire career just for the chance to know that you feel the same so-"  
  
  


" _OH MY GOD_   what if she ruined her career for this! I'm so not worth this! She's been doing so good! I can't let that happen!"

 

You're too busy throwing shoes and presentable clothes on to notice that there's a pile of chips on the floor and your mom is glaring bullets through your head. 

 

"I'll be back!"

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

It's been three days since the BBMA's and two since you've been out of the hospital, and one since you made it back to Miami. And your sources were correct in saying that she was back in Miami at the house that she bought for her family. 

 

You don't know how you managed to get the address (it was Normani, of course, typing it into your phone whilst waiting for you to wake back up) and make your way across Miami to the house but somehow you did and now you're staring at the white gate that separates you from her. 

 

You don't really know how long you stand there but you figure it's a while. Your legs are aching in protest but your mind can't make up what to do so you just stand there and think. 

 

Think that this is all just some crazy ass dream and the second you even get a glimpse of Camila you're going to wake up and be thrown back into the stupid reality that you were in before. 

 

A part of you is kind of hoping that this is a dream, mostly because it is absolutely too good to be true but also because you'd rather wake up in heartbreak than have the hope of the biggest what if in your life be torn from your hands because of management and contracts. 

 

Your other side however, is more than ready to throw open the front door to teh Cabello residence and scream out about your undying love for Camila. But you're scared. Not only because you've been waiting for this moment for two years, and longing to just be with her for at least 6, but because the fear that this will all be for nothing and your attempt to try again without the barriers of a band will go up in flames like most of your relationships. 

 

You're sure she's breaking at least half of her contract by saying everything she's said so far. You're starting to understand that she doesn't really give a fuck about contracts anymore. And neither do you. 

 

"Are you just gonna stand there all day or are you gonna come in?"

 

You don't notice that you've been staring at the ground for god knows how long until your neck cracks as it lifts your head to meet the gaze of chocolate brown eyes. 

 

"Uh, I- um, I just", your hands nervously play with the hem of your shirt as you try to commit the image in front of you to memory. 

 

Her hair is up in that messy top bun that her shorter hair allows, her face is make-up free and you can tell that she's been crying recently because they're bloodshot and there's dark bags under her eyes. She has a sweater hanging off of one of her shoulders and athletic shorts show off her long tan legs. You notice that she looks nervous, and you don't blame her. If you had announced your love to her on national tv in front of millions of people you'd be nervous too. 

 

"I love you"  
  


You don't even recognize your own voice because it's already cracking and breaking, and now that you've realized that you let the words slip out your thoughts come tumbling out without a second thought. 

 

"I love you and I think I have since the second I met you. I know I've said it before and we both have because we were together for 4 years as much as we could be and I know that it wasn't the best relationship and some people would think it's not even a real relationship because we couldn't talk about it but I loved you then and I most certainly love you now. But I think the difference now is that I'm ready to love you and I know how to love you. I used to tell you so often how you made my heart race and my head would pound against my skull and it was because of you but now I know that it's not because of you. It's for you. Everything I do is for you and my heart, my heart beats for you and only you Camila Cabello"

 

There's tears streaming down your face and you're sure that any neighbor of Camila's would think that you're crazy just standing in the gateway to the yard crying your eyes out but you don't care. 

 

She's silent for what seems like an eternity but you know that she's thinking, making sure that her next words are the right one but you can't find it in yourself to care if they're the right ones.

 

"I can't believe I made you pass out"

 

She says it with a smile and a choked laugh escapes your throat. 

 

You take a step closer to her until she's inches away from you, waiting for her to meet you in the middle. 

  
And she does, she does and it's the best feeling you've had in all the years that you've been alive. It beats all the times she's said I love you, all the times you've snuck away to explore each others bodies, all the talks and conversations you've had in the middle of the night on rooftops and in the lounge room of the tour bus. 

 

It beats every single one of them because there's no better feeling than her lips pressing against yours, her hand tangling into your dark locks and the other pulling you closer by the waist, no better feeling than kissing the woman you love without a care in the world or worrying about who sees and who knows. 

 

You're sure your body is getting pretty tired of having so many erratic heart beats, and you definitely going to have some kind of heart condition when you're older because of all the shit you've put your heart through. 

 

But you think that this, smiling so hard that you can't kiss her anymore and you're just existing with your foreheads pressed together, this is worth it.

 

It always has been. 

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think and leave some kudos if you liked it. 
> 
> Honestly I can't help but think I'm hella late to this side of the fandom even though I've been a part of it since the beginning. Oops. 
> 
>  
> 
> Hit me up on social media  
> Instagram @ izzyalexandria and tumblr @ becauseizzy


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